1). Change Your Appearance
One of the challenges of even the strongest long-term relationship is the difficulty in keeping things fresh and new. We are creatures of habit, developing routines that work for us without our having to think about it. It allows us to move through fast-paced lives without having to make every little decision on a daily basis. We don’t want to stop and think about which sock to put on first, which way to drive to work, what kind of gas to put in our car, how to stack the dishwasher or fold our clothes.
Habits make life so much more simple that it frees up our energies to confront the big decisions and problems we have to face. However, habits also distance us from what we do because our mind is not engaged, When someone else points out that we “always” do something a certain way, we are amazed because we are unaware. Once we’ve moved beyond the adolescent and young adult experimentation phase, we tend to fall into the rut of wearing our hair a certain way, how we put on our makeup, the kind of television shows we watch, the choice of foods we eat, and the lifestyle we pursue.
That is why the sneaky marketing men aim their message at young age groups who are the ones most likely to try something different. The size and the purchasing power of the baby boomers may be extraordinarily large but they are seldom targeted by major advertising campaigns because they are comfortable with the choices they have made and are unlikely to really hear messages about alternatives in which they have little interest.
Within our lasting relationships, we also fall into habits. They range from unwavering go-to-bed-at-night and get-up-in-the-morning routines to the day of the week we go out, the restaurants we frequent, and the way we communicate (or fail to communicate) with each other. We are so used to being around our partner that, despite the affection we may feel, we stop seeing each other with the wonder and appreciation we felt in those first heady months.
Shaking up our lives by dumping old habits can make us feel younger and alive. Changing our appearance, even a few times a month, makes us look at each other through new eyes and makes us focus on each other in a different way.
Women can more easily and radically change their looks because female hairstyles are so much more varied than those of men. A wig (or several), in a totally different color, with appropriate makeup adjustments, can affect your response to each other. A man can temporarily grow a moustache, a beard, or sideburns, and elicit new attention from his surprised wife. An outrageous new piece of clothing for a special date can transform your interaction with each other.
Many of us love costume parties whether something dramatic at Halloween or an only-black-and-white graphics event or a get together with friends wearing the clothes we loved in high school.
Be creative! If you usually dine out in business attire, get some cowboy gear and go to a western saloon for some line dancing. If your usual night out is at a bowling alley, dress to the nines and have a drink at the most expensive hotel in your area, rubbing shoulders with the movers and shakers. Try a latino nightclub, hot dogs on the pier, or drinks with fruit and little umbrellas at a sushi bar. Dress in your skuzziest clothes and visit a luxury car showroom to laugh at the consternation you cause. Use that tux you rented for your niece’s wedding when you visit the local pizza parlor and see the buzz you create.
The city of Las Vegas has a wonderful ad campaign about “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” It speaks to our desire to do something totally different and outrageous to escape the paralyzing pastry of our normalcy – but with the assurance that we can return without ill effects, no burned bridges forcing permanent change.
Shaking up our appearance can shake up our partner and our mutual interactions. Do it for the excitement and do it for the fun. As another ad campaign suggests, “Just do it.”
2). Refreshing Your Relationship by Giving 100%
A common expression is “I’ll meet you halfway,” and we often take that attitude into our marriage. I hear frequent complaints from couples in trouble that their partner isn’t pulling their fair weight, that one is giving more than the other.
Whoever determined that life is a 50-50 proposition?
Some give more than others. Some take more than others. On every level of society from politics to business to social interactions, there are discrepancies of effort, economics, and emotions.
Going into a relationship with the expectation that contributions will be fairly shared is to court disaster. Over a span of time, a certain amount of evenness will develop through a process of give-and-take and ups-and-downs. But at any specific point, one may be giving while the other needs to just take for a while.
We all need to enter the most important relationship of our life with the foreknowledge and determined commitment to give 100%. Once we have internalized that concept, we can avoid the painful feelings we get when we think we are being cheated of our just rewards. If the relationship is healthy, and both partners are committed to the 100% investment, eventually it will work out somewhere in the middle -probably never 50-50 but somewhere in the broad bell curve of averages: 30% to 70%. At different times, the equation adjusts as careers, children, and other responsibilities change.
If you are the individual giving 70% and your other half is falling a little short, remember that you swore to give 100% so you are much better off than you expected.
Can you see how such thinking changes the framework of your marriage? You’re not getting cheated, you’re getting much more support than your original bargain called for!
You can use this new attitude in any aspect of your partnership. Many couples develop resentment over their relative monetary contributions. If you have the initial anticipation of being the sole breadwinner, then any contribution by the other, however small, is a great big bonus. If you enter the union with the expectation that you will handle all the cleaning and parenting chores required, then anything done by your partner is a plus.
If one of you handles your mutual social obligations, then the participation of your spouse, even if limited to just showing up and being there, is more than you expected. You may feel, as many of my patients do, that you are not getting the support and good strokes that you deserve. Reframe the sense of deprivation within the 100% concept and you find that even occasional support and positive feedback is an unexpected gift.
We all need to feel loved and appreciated and cherished. We also need to give love and appreciation to others. If we give more than we get, we can harbor anger at our being cheated or we can love and appreciate our own selves for having a greater capacity to give.
This one single change in your outlook towards your relationship can transform the hidden resentments that result in nagging, negativity, and verbal putdowns into a deep satisfaction that leads to overt affection, positive support, and mutual respect.
3). Refreshing Your Relationship through Day Activities
Even the closest couples these days (with the rare, happy exceptions of those who work together) spend more awake time apart in their separate careers than they do together. The individual you are at work, no matter what career you pursue, is very different than the person you are within your romantic relationship.
That is why everyone loves company parties: coworkers get the chance to see the spouses or dates of everyone else. It is frequently a real shock to get a glimpse into a fellow worker’s private life – the domineering manager who consistently defers to their quiet spouse, or the mousy little file clerk who clearly dominates her extraordinarily handsome lover.
Closeness with your partner can be deepened by taking the time to share your daily activities. We often assume that our significant others aren’t really interested in our work life. To the contrary, when we love someone, we want to be part of their everything. We want to vicariously live in our loved one’s world, hear what they did, who else was present, what kind of work relationships they enjoy. We want to know the gossip that’s flying around, We want them to describe their coworkers and their assessment of the people and events in which they are involved.
Set aside a half hour every day for each of you to discuss what happened that day. Pass along jokes and anything unusual that occurred. If you use e-mail in your work, forward funny and interesting exchanges on to your mate – it will feel as if you are genuinely in each other’s life quite apart from the actual time you spend together.
If your days are filled with meetings, print out your calendar and show it to your spouse, briefly highlighting each meeting that occurred. If you answer telephones all day, make a quick note of funny or touching calls you receive so that you can review them later. If you work on a production floor, keep your eyes and ears open for interesting tidbits of conversation you can share.
So often, we only mention the negative aspects of work job, bitching to our mate about a difficult supervisor or a lazy coworker. Strive to share positive feelings about your job also. Not only will it intensify your sense of participating in each other’s lives, it will avoid that tendency to grow apart as we forget to focus on our most important partnership because we are too busy heading in too many directions.
If one of you doesn’t work outside the home due to retirement, disability, or family responsibilities, some activities still filled your day – share them freely with the only person in your life who is as interested in you as you are.