In the last few decades, partners have spent countless hours trying to “work out problems.” Yet, over and over again, they often come up against a major roadblock: they just don’t see things the same way. No matter how long they talk or how hard they try, neither ends up feeling really heard and understood.
While some couples naturally see things the same way, most people have a hard time seeing things through their partner’s eyes. What often happens when they “communicate” is that each person tries to get the other to see things their way. Instead of solving the problem, each is trying to control how the other person sees things. This often leads to more conflict and frustration.
While I am not suggesting that couples stop communicating over problems and issues, I am offering an additional way of resolving conflict: taking loving action on your own behalf.
This form of conflict resolution is about action rather than talk. Here are some actions you can take that may make a world of difference in your relationship.
LOVING ACTIONS
1. Choose to be compassionate toward yourself and your partner rather than judging.Judging yourself and your partner will always lead to more conflict. Choosing to compassionately care about yourself and your partner can totally change the energy between you, even without words. If you believe that you or your partner are bad or wrong for your feelings, behavior, or point of view, then you will not be able to let go of judgment.You will move toward compassion when you understand and accept that each of you has very good reasons for your feelings, behavior, and point of view. Try compassionately accepting yourself and your partner and see what happens! When you practice self-compassion, it creates a safe space for vulnerability. You both can express your feelings without fear of judgment.
2. Practice self-discipline by saying nothing instead of acting in an inflammatory way.Practice zipping your mouth! Practice letting go of the need to be right! Walk away from a conflicted or heated situation instead of jumping in to win. If you look back, you will see that no one wins when both try to control with anger, blame, explanations, debating, defending, lectures, or compliance.However, if you choose to walk away, do so with love and compassion – aim to take care of yourself rather than punishing your partner. Walking away in anger is just another way to control. This approach allows both of you to cool off and reflect on your feelings without escalating the conflict.
3. Accept that you have no control over your partner’s feelings and behavior, but you have total control over your actions.It’s easier to stop trying to control your partner when you accept who they are. Trying to change your partner wastes energy. Changing yourself gives you personal power. This shift in mindset can be incredibly freeing. It allows you to focus on what you can do rather than getting caught up in trying to fix someone else.By relinquishing control over your partner, you open the door to genuine intimacy. You can begin to appreciate your partner’s individuality and build a more supportive and understanding relationship.
4. Take loving care of yourself in response to your partner’s choices.You might want to talk about problems when you see yourself as a victim of your partner’s choices. But when you accept your partner for who they are and recognize your lack of control over them, you can focus on taking loving action for yourself.Asking, “What is the loving action for myself right now?” will lead to ideas on how to take care of yourself. Asking, “If I were an enlightened being, how would I act right now?” will open the door to creative ways of taking care of yourself.Loving actions support your own highest good without harming your partner. For example, if you are frustrated and rushed because your partner is often late leaving for an event, you might decide to take your own car each time they are not ready on time. While your partner might not like your choice, it is not harmful to them. This action stops the power struggle and takes care of yourself.
Letting go of trying to change your partner and taking loving action for yourself are keys to resolving conflict without words. This shift can lead to profound change in your relationship dynamics.
