A few weekends ago, during a lazy Saturday afternoon barbecue, one of the single ladies spiced up the conversation with a dating conundrum. “Why would a guy,” she began, as every unattached man with a beer in hand suddenly became very interested in the grill, “promise to call after a great first date, only to resort to flirtatious SMS messages for the next two weeks?”
Some quick-witted fellows made a swift exit towards the grill, praising the host’s expertise in steak-flipping and analyzing last night’s game. The rest of us found ourselves surrounded by a group of single women, sizing up their quarry over yet another glass of bubbly. As a bachelor myself, I knew my odds of escaping this conversation unscathed were slim. Inch by inch, I retreated towards the sanctuary of the kitchen door, muttering something about needing a refill.
Safely behind the walls of my bachelor fortress, having narrowly avoided a fate worse than emasculation, I feel it’s finally safe to reveal the inner workings of a guy’s mind (or lack thereof) when it comes to phone dating protocols. Sure, there are plenty of books that suggest Mars is uninterested in Venus because he’s immature and in search of a nurturing Mother Earth figure. These theories might hold water in principle, but in practice, they’re about as useful as a man wielding a toilet brush.
I have some amazing female friends—some single, some in relationships. Like you, they are all sexy, intriguing, and intelligent women. But you all seem to suffer from a shared affliction. I like to call it “Men-agitus.” You caught it the moment a pint-sized Romeo stole a kiss during recess and then ditched you for a Tonka truck and a sandbox by lunchtime. Consequently, you spend a significant part of your lives overanalyzing men’s actions and words. When it comes to communication, the truth is quite straightforward. Most men don’t enjoy talking to women on the phone. Sure, if the conversation gets a little flirtatious, we might perk up, but generally speaking, the very idea fills us with dread. You’re seasoned pros at verbal sparring; it’s what you do. Your goal is to see if we can engage your mind using our least utilized organ. Our objective? To hang up before you lose interest in seeing us again.
In face-to-face interactions, we don’t have to rely entirely on our questionable communication skills. We can flash a boyish grin, tenderly hold your hand, crack a dumb joke, or even try some clumsy acrobatics. Anything to divert your attention from the nonsense we’re spouting. Being visual creatures, we’re in our element here. We can gauge your reactions, read your body language, and sneak a peek at your cleavage when you’re not looking.
On the phone, we feel stripped bare and vulnerable. And sometimes, we might actually be. Once you stop talking, we’re expected to respond, and we know you’re listening intently with those finely tuned radars. We open our mouths, and suddenly, the words are too scared to come out. We can sense your analytical mind ticking away, asking, “What did he mean by that?” or “How is getting your dog stoned funny?” amidst the “mm hmm’s” and deafening pauses. Our confidence wavers as we grasp for witty remarks and charming anecdotes. Seriously, it’s a mental workout we could do without.
Then came SMS, beeping like a savior in the shallow waters of manhood, offering the ideal escape from verbal interaction. It allows us to make you feel desired while we’re out at the pub with our mates. We have time to craft the perfect witty response. It gives us space to process your probing questions and reply with confidence. We can even end the exchange with a cheeky suggestion for a meet-up, all without committing to a proper date, and still come out smelling like roses.
Wondering why a guy bombards you with texts but never calls? Think of his mind as a fridge. If he’s ravenous for a taste of you, he’ll slot you between his leftover pizza and six-pack of beer for the next day. If he’s not all that into you, you’re his spaghetti bolognese—a tasty option, but he doesn’t really want you two nights in a row. So, he puts you on ice between the bank teller brunette and the gym redhead.
So, what’s the game plan if you’re really into this guy? Stop letting him keep you at arm’s length. He’s cruising down Message Street with no traffic in sight. If you want him, you need to flip the script. It’s time to swap out the party pies for some pepperoni. This means taking the SMS game into the trenches, where the hunter becomes the hunted, and one misstep could be fatal.
Here’s Simon’s Strategy to Turn Smooth-Talking Players into Begging, Pleading, Worshippers in 4 Easy Steps!
Step One – Resist. Don’t give in to those cheeky midnight texts. He’s likely drunk, lonely, and just looking for a quick fix. Let him stew for at least three days.
Step Two – Set the Trap. Send a brief reply saying you’ve been busy, hope he’s well, and suggest catching up soon.
Step Three – Be Patient While He Bites. The male ego is easy prey. When he does message—and he will—wait a day before responding with confident but mild interest. Mention he should call you sometime, but not today, as you’re worn out from all your socializing. Pro tip: use the word “socializing.” To a guy, that translates to “flirting, and possibly more, with the competition.”
Step Four – Reel Him In. By now, his imagination will be working overtime. When he finally calls, be friendly but not overly enthusiastic. If he wants to meet up within the next three days, wrap him up and store him behind your box of chocolates and half-finished bottle of bubbly. If he suggests next week, toss him back into the sea and tell him to kiss your proverbial goodbye.
Now, you might be curious why I’m spilling all these secrets. Do I think it’s about time someone was straight with women? Am I disheartened by the pain my thoughtless gender inflicts? Have I had enough of comforting heartbroken female friends on a Friday night—when I planned to go out for drinks, laughs, and maybe meet some of their gorgeous, uninhibited girlfriends? Did I think revealing these sacred male secrets might give me an edge at parties? Yes, to all of the above. Hey, don’t look at me like that… I’m just a guy!
Now that you’re in on the game, it’s time to unleash chaos.
