There are three “R”s that negatively influence our state of being in the world: resentment, rejection, and regret. These are things that happened in the past, and while we can’t go back and change them, the memory of these experiences can still poison us in many ways. The question is: how do we get rid of this poison? The answer is forgiveness.
Science defines forgiveness as a decision to let go of the desire for revenge and ill will towards the person who wronged you. It may also include feelings of goodwill towards that person. However, forgiveness is not just about making yourself feel better or forgetting a hurt.
Scientists studying forgiveness have found that it has interesting effects on the body. One study showed that people could improve their vertical jump after doing forgiveness exercises. When I shared this with an NBA basketball player, he immediately signed up for a forgiveness meditation class. Another study found that people had higher levels of endurance when asked to march up and down a hill after practicing forgiveness exercises.
While we don’t fully understand why this happens, forgiveness appears to have beneficial effects not only on our state of mind but also on our physical bodies. Other studies show that forgiveness decreases levels of anger and hostility, increases feelings of love, enhances your ability to trust others, and frees you from negative memories of the past.
When you practice forgiveness, you make yourself responsible for something negative that happened in the past, rather than someone else. A survey showed that people in psychotherapy sessions who practiced forgiveness had much better results than those who did not. Another study found that forgiveness improves heart health, blood pressure, heart rate, and even the workload of the heart.
Forgiveness doesn’t just metaphorically improve your heart—it physically changes the health of your heart.
An Unexpected Journey into Forgiveness
I stumbled upon the concept of forgiveness quite by accident. I was invited to participate in an experiment at an institute called the Biocybernaut Institute, founded by a scientist named Jim Hart. Jim was using brain wave monitors to train people to attain deep levels of meditation—the kind of levels that you might achieve if you had been meditating like a Zen roshi for 20 to 40 years.
He analyzed the brain wave states of monks, billionaires, and people who displayed high levels of creativity or intuition to understand what states these people experienced in their heads. Then, he used biofeedback equipment to train people to reach the same level of meditation as a Zen roshi monk, essentially reverse-engineering these brain wave states. It was a fascinating experiment.
During my participation, two particular states were being measured: coherence between both hemispheres of the brain and alpha amplitude. The idea was to spend five days in a chamber with biofeedback equipment, about five hours a day, experimenting with different states of meditation to increase my alpha wave amplitude and coherence—desirable states based on studies of high-level meditators.
Here is the interesting part: after studying thousands of people, Jim Hart found one surefire way to attain these heightened brain states—through the practice of forgiveness.
The Role of Forgiveness in Achieving High Consciousness
During those five days, all he asked me to do was to forgive, forgive, and forgive some more. I had to forgive everyone in my life, even family members I dearly loved, like my own son, because something had happened in the past that I still held a tiny grudge about.
It might sound strange, but we all hold these little pinpricks of grudges against even the people we love dearly. Forgiveness, they found, was a way to reach heightened states of consciousness.
Now, here are some unexpected things that happened. Sometimes life unfolds in mysterious ways. A few months before my time at the lab, I encountered a situation in my life that truly needed forgiveness.
I discovered that someone I trusted to run one of my company operations had been skimming money and had stolen over a hundred thousand dollars. It was a horrible experience, and I felt utterly betrayed. I had to report him to the police. This man had worked with me for about four years, and after filing the complaint, he began threatening me and other employees. It was awful.
Facing the Challenge of Forgiving Deep Wrongs
After four days of forgiving everyone in my life, I saved him for last because I was furious. I was angry that this man had betrayed my trust, stolen from my company, and made subtle threats to my family and other employees. How could I possibly forgive him?
But I was pressed to try anyway, so I did a forgiveness ritual. As I started to bring him to mind and forgive him, I heard a loud beep. When I opened my eyes in that chamber, I had hit a new high score for alpha amplitude, higher than I had reached in the previous four days. It was the moment I managed to forgive the man who had wronged me so deeply.
That was my key lesson in forgiveness: no matter how bad the wrong, you can always apply forgiveness.
The unexpected effects I experienced in the lab didn’t stop there. I was there with several influential people, all of us paying around $15,000 each for these five days of having our brains hooked up to machines. On the fourth or fifth day, one of the other participants approached me with a strange look on his face and showed me his phone.
Stories of Forgiveness and Unexpected Outcomes
“Vishen, I can’t believe this,” he said.
“What happened?” I asked.
He replied, “I was trying to forgive a family member who had sexually abused me as a child. This happened when I was 10 years old. I’m now in my 50s, and I’ve been holding onto anger and pain for four decades. This abuse led to years of addiction, negative self-worth, and self-destructive behaviors. For the last few days, I’ve been focusing on forgiving this person. And today, out of nowhere, he sent me an email saying he was sorry for what he did. Attached to that email was a private YouTube video where he expressed his regret and asked for my forgiveness.”
We were all stunned. How could this happen? We couldn’t explain it, but perhaps on some subtle level, because we are all connected, the abuser sensed the need to apologize and felt he needed to heal the situation. This experience changed how we perceive forgiveness.
The Rules of Forgiveness
The scientists at the lab laid out several rules for us to understand before we began the forgiveness exercise, and I’d like to share them with you.
- Rule One: You can forgive everything and anything because forgiveness is not the same as pardoning. You are not pardoning a criminal who may have wronged you; you are forgiving them, which means you are changing your internal state towards the situation. This also applies to horrible acts or criminal behavior.
- Rule Two: Forgiveness is not pardoning. You are not excusing someone for doing something that could be against the law; you are simply deciding not to let that act negatively impact you. It doesn’t mean you are going out to buy them flowers or making it okay. If they did something terrible, forgiveness is not about pardoning. It is about deciding how you want to think about what happened in the past. You can’t change the past, but you can change your feelings about it.
- Rule Three: Forgiveness frees you. You’re not doing this for them; you’re doing this to free yourself.
- Rule Four: The other party does not have to forgive you in return. If you had a fight with your spouse, you can immediately go into this forgiveness exercise to make yourself feel free; you do not need them to do the same.
How to Practice Forgiveness: Step-by-Step Exercise
Forgiveness starts with you.
First, remember that forgiveness is a part of the six phases because it is one of the most powerful attributes for raising your mental state, improving your mind, and making yourself a more powerful person in the world.
When I left the center, the participants and I stayed in touch through a WhatsApp group. A few weeks later, one of them sent a message with a quote he found online. He said, “I think forgiveness just made us unfuckwithable.” The image he shared had this word “unfuckwithable” with a description that read: “When you are truly at peace and in touch with yourself, nothing anyone says or does can bother you, and no negativity or drama can touch you.” I loved that word. We can all be a little more unfuckwithable in life.
Here’s how to begin your forgiveness exercise in the six-phase meditation:
- Start Small: Don’t begin with someone who seriously wronged you in the past. Pick something easier, like a small argument with your spouse, a rude waiter, or a coworker who did something that upset you.
- Build Your Foundation: Complete Phase One (Compassion) and Phase Two (Gratitude) first. These steps will help you be in a solid state to begin forgiveness, with high levels of compassion and gratitude.
- Visualize the Situation: Imagine the place where the person wronged you—it could be the office, a basketball court, or your living room. Visualize the person and see their face. For about 30 seconds, allow yourself to feel the pain they caused you. It’s okay to feel angry or upset, but try to limit this to no more than a minute.
- Extend Empathy: Continue looking at them and push yourself to extend empathy towards them. Ask yourself why they might have done what they did. Was that waiter rude because he had a fight with his wife? Did your spouse argue with you because they were stressed? Did your coworker drop their responsibilities because they lack your discipline? This is the essence of human empathy.
Principles to Remember When Practicing Forgiveness
Keep in mind the following principles:
- Hurt People Hurt People: Often, those who hurt you have been hurt themselves. Think about whether you are willing to break that cycle of hurt.
- Find the Lesson: Reflect on what you could learn from the situation. Every painful experience has something to teach us. For instance, when someone stole from my company, I learned the importance of better fiscal management and tighter security measures.
Final Steps for Forgiveness
Next, practice forgiveness, but remember it doesn’t stop at simply saying “I forgive you.” See the person in front of you, look into their eyes, and imagine forgiving them to the extent that you could mentally hug them, maybe even feel grateful that they entered your life.
It may sound challenging, but it’s not impossible. Start with minor grievances and gradually build your forgiveness muscles until you can forgive everyone in every situation.
Forgiveness, like compassion, is a skill that can be developed over time. As Mahatma Gandhi once said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” You can train yourself to become stronger through forgiveness.
Don’t Forget to Forgive Yourself
An important aspect of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. Often, the blame or negative energy we feel comes from our own actions, from not forgiving ourselves for mistakes we’ve made in the past.
When I did this exercise, I realized I needed to forgive myself for a business mistake I made in my 20s that potentially cost me millions of dollars.
To forgive yourself, visualize the space where the incident occurred. Then, see a younger version of yourself—it could be you as a child, a teenager, or even from last week. Apply the same technique and forgive yourself.
That’s it.
When you’re ready, proceed to Day Three of the six-phase meditation, where you will be guided through this forgiveness exercise. The entire forgiveness exercise will take 2 to 3 minutes. Start with small situations and gradually work your way up to more challenging ones that need forgiveness. You can do it.
Whenever you’re ready, start your journey to forgiveness.
Note: This is information is extracted from Mindvalley