When most people think about presence, they think about their first impression. I want to break down our presence into a science. Specifically, when research looked at our communication, what we’re communicating in our presence, they found that about 60% of our presence or our communication is non-verbal. That’s our facial expressions, our body language, and our voice tone. Only about 40% of our presence is verbal. The problem is that most of us put all of our eggs in the verbal basket. We think about what we want to say in a first impression, we think about our opening, we think about our closing, we practice our points, we practice our really funny stories. We often forget to practice our body language, our non-verbal presence, our handshakes, our spacing.
The way that I like to think about non-verbal presence is with something called proto-conversation. These are the cues or social signals we send to our fellow humans, and we are constantly sending cues to one another. When we’re in an interaction or a conversation, we’re looking at body language, we’re looking at eye contact, we’re looking at facial gestures, and you’re even listening to my voice tone to think about what you need to understand under or behind the conversation. What I want to do is break down some of the rules of proto-conversation so you know how to read those non-verbal signals.
Proto-Conversation and Social Signals
Rule 1: Space
Subconsciously, most humans know that there are four different zones of space, and we’re very aware of these zones of space when interacting across cultures. We have these four zones; they vary a little bit from culture to culture, but here are some general averages for you.
The very first zone is the public zone. The public zone is where we like to be with strangers, people we don’t know or trust. When we start to get to know someone, when we think that a friend is approaching, we’re okay with the social zone. The social zone is where we often are in casual conversation at bars, networking events, or clubs where we’re about 5 to 7 ft away.
The next zone is called the personal zone. When we really like someone, our close friends, or close acquaintances, we invite them into our personal zone. This is a little bit closer; we can hear conversation, we can reach out and touch their arm or shake hands. The personal zone is where most of our conversations happen. The last zone is called the intimate zone, and this is about zero to 18 inches away from the person we’re talking to. The intimate zone is reserved for people that we like a lot. Have you ever talked to a close talker? You know, those people who get really close to you and into your space where you just want to back up into a wall. That’s because they’re getting too close too fast.
One fascinating thing that we noticed in the Shark Tank experiments is that these four zones were being observed. When entrepreneurs walk into the room, they start in the public zone because they’re not introduced yet. As they’re talking and interacting, the entrepreneurs often get a little bit closer to the sharks. They reach out and shake hands, they pass them a product, they do a demo with them, and slowly, as they get closer and closer, they close the zones. Typically, at the end of a deal, when a successful deal is made, they shake hands or they hug briefly, letting someone into their intimate zone. It’s literally a physical demonstration of how we use space when we’re interacting with people. We use these space zones to gauge how comfortable we are with someone else.
There are a couple of really easy ways we can slowly bridge our non-verbal spaces. First, an easy one is touch: handshake or high-five, or fist bump or hug. That’s a really easy way to briefly go from the personal zone into the intimate zone. I also love a good lean. A lean is a really casual way to just slowly cross into someone’s space zone. You’ll notice that in my TED Talk and a lot of my speaking, I’ll lean in closer. Even here today, when I have a point that I really want to get across, I lean in a little bit towards you. That’s my very subtle way of crossing from our public zone to our social zone to the personal zone.
Humans subconsciously recognize four different zones of space:
- Public Zone: Used with strangers or people we don’t trust, maintaining a distance of over 7 feet.
- Social Zone: For casual conversations, typically 5 to 7 feet apart, used in social settings like bars and networking events.
- Personal Zone: For close friends and acquaintances, allowing for closer conversation and physical contact.
- Intimate Zone: For those we feel very close to, within 0 to 18 inches, often involving intimate interactions.
Space on Video
More and more of our interactions are happening virtually. Space is the single biggest mistake that we make trying to be charismatic on video. Here’s what happens: we log into our Zoom call or our video meeting, and we get super close to the camera, right? It’s right up in our face; we start in someone’s intimate zone. This is why so many video calls can start feeling awkward, or we get a little anxious at the start of our video calls. It’s because someone has accidentally entered into our intimate zone. The most important thing you can do is make sure that the distance between your nose and your camera is at least a foot and a half away, at least in the personal zone.
So, what I’d love you to do is take a little measuring tape, measure the space from your nose to your camera to make sure it’s at least a foot and a half away. If it’s any closer, you’re accidentally entering into people’s intimate zones.
Rule 2: Connection
After space, the next rule that we are silently engaging in in proto-conversation is connection. As humans, we are always seeking connection, and the fastest way that we can do this is with physical touch. Now, not everyone’s comfortable with physical touch, but it’s a part of our natural interactions, and I want to break down the science. We had noticed when we watched those Shark Tank pitches, the entrepreneurs that initiated some kind of touch in the first five minutes were more likely to get a deal. They initiated a handshake or a fist bump or a high-five or a demo or a hug. Why did this matter? We know research shows us that the moment that we touch, we produce a little chemical called oxytocin.
I love oxytocin because it’s the physical chemical of connection. When we really feel the warm and fuzzies with someone, when you’re with them and you’re like, “Wow, they just get me,” that’s actually oxytocin coursing through your bloodstream. Oxytocin helps us feel trust and connection, and it’s created when we touch someone with a handshake, a fist bump, or a high-five. Oxytocin is the chemical way that we feel physically and emotionally closer to someone; it’s the way that we build trust. The science behind this is fascinating. Researchers found that oxytocin increases trust and social cognition. This means that the more oxytocin we have, the better we are at reading and understanding proto-conversation. They also found that it reduces anxiety and social stress. Yes, really! When they gave people nose sprays full of oxytocin, they actually felt less anxious in social situations.
This was a huge antidote for me for my social anxiety. I knew that if I could build oxytocin, it would reduce my anxiety and therefore help me feel more charismatic. We create oxytocin primarily through two ways: through eye contact and touch. So, in person, when possible, hugs, handshakes, back pats, high-fives, cheek kisses, fist bumps, and eye contact will all help you produce oxytocin. The more you can do those, especially in the first five minutes of interaction, the better.
If I haven’t convinced you, here’s two more interesting pieces of science. Students who received supportive touch on the back of the arm from a teacher were nearly two times more likely to volunteer in class. Couples who hold hands during painful shocks experience less pain. Oxytocin literally lowers our stress response and our pain response.
While talking about handshakes, I have to give you a little demo on how to give the perfect handshake, and for your viewing pleasure, I have volunteered David to come and help demo that handshake for you. Hi, okay, so David, say hi to everyone. Okay, so step number one to the perfect handshake, can you guess what it is? It’s, we gotta get dry, okay? Dry, dry, no sweaty palms. The worst thing you can do with a handshake is be wet, so dry, dry, dry. And we gotta look, okay? I like it. Okay, step one, dry, great.
Step number two, this is one that people most often forget, is vertical. So, notice how we both went and we both went vertical up and down. The worst thing that I could do is flip David this way. Does that feel weird? Yes, it feels horrible. So, if this has ever happened to you, if you’ve ever been flipped up or down, it’s actually a dominance gesture. If I were to flip David up, this is a very vulnerable part of David’s arm, and so it actually exposes some of his arteries, and it should make you feel a little anxious. You feeling anxious? Yeah, a little bit. Okay, let’s make you feel better. So, that should actually feel a little bit, this is really strong, it’s a hard part of your arm, I can’t get to it, so this is actually more protective.
So, what’s really important is, in interaction, you want to keep it equal. So, offer equal, keep them equal, and go this way. By the way, if you ever get flipped, if someone ever flips you, the thing that I always like to do is touch their arm to show them that I want it to be equal. So, if you were to flip me, yep, I would actually move you back, okay? Right, so that’s a little side way to tell someone that accidentally flips you.
Firmness. So, firmness is the biggest question I always get with handshakes. I always say mutual firmness, kind of like how you squeeze a peach, right? You squeeze until you begin to feel a little bit of resistance. Too hard? Peach juice everywhere. Too light? Not good. So, firmness is really important.
And last but not least is length, and so usually I say about two pumps. Hi, nice to meet you, great to meet you, perfect. And lastly, smile. Okay, awesome, thank you, David! All right, that’s the perfect handshake.
Building Oxytocin on Video
But, we can’t always touch. One of the best ways we can build oxytocin is with eye contact. When we’re on video, it is crucial to have the camera at eye level. Here’s what happens: when the camera is below eye level, it actually creates something called the dominant effect. It triggers a fear response. Do you remember in those old ’90s TV shows when they used to have a big security guard at the front door and the camera would look up at them? What would happen? We’d actually have a fear response because our brain is triggered to see that someone is higher up than us. So, if you’re looking down at your camera, that creates a dominance effect.
Similarly, if you have your camera too high up, like you have to look up at your camera, it creates a fear response. What happens is we get this motherese effect. That’s why when we look up at people, we tend to infantilize them, and we don’t want that. So, we really want to make sure our camera is at eye level. This makes sure that we are creating oxytocin because we’re looking at each other eye to eye. So, with eye contact, we want to be at eye level. It’s really important in those first few moments to have the camera at eye level and to make eye contact with the camera.
Remember, with eye contact, it’s okay to take breaks. You don’t have to stare down the camera the entire time. You can take little breaks and look around, but always come back to eye level.
Rule #3: Confidence
We love being around confident people; we are always on the lookout for confident individuals. Some fascinating research by the University of British Columbia looked at winners and losers, specifically in Olympic races around the world. They found that athletes, no matter their culture, gender, or race, make the same poses in pride and the same poses in defeat. Winners take up space. Have you ever seen a little kid win a race? They take up as much space as possible—they jump up into the air, expand their arms, and tilt their head up. That’s because when we win, we feel pride; we want people to notice us, so we take up space. We don’t feel afraid, so we expose our torso and cheer in excitement.
Losers, people in defeat or shame, do the exact opposite. These researchers found that in defeat, we crumple our bodies in, tilt our heads down towards our chests, and often grip our hands into fists. We hunch our shoulders and roll down as small as possible. Could you imagine if I taught this entire course like this? You would know instinctively that I’m feeling defeated or ashamed. We are constantly on the lookout for these pride and defeat poses. When we interact with someone, we want to know if they look more like a winner or more like a loser. Why? Because we want to catch confidence. When we see people in pride, we want to catch that pride and confidence. When we see people in defeat, we don’t want to catch it, so we avoid them.
The number one thing that you can do during conversation is make sure that you are sending subtle signals of pride. Here’s the problem: even though most of the time we want to be in high power, high confidence, we accidentally go into a defeated pose every single time we check our phone, start a meeting, or begin a business call or a date like this, right? Where we’re hunched over, our chin is tucked to our chest, and our hands are close together—it accidentally looks like defeat. When we’re hunched over our phone or computer, it makes us accidentally look like we’re in shame or defeat. Not only do I want to make sure you don’t go into accidental defeat, I want to ensure you have the perfect pride poses that are also socially acceptable.
As much as I love looking like a winner, I don’t really want you walking into your meetings like this, saying, “I’m here!” It’s very high pride, very high power, but it’s a bit socially aggressive. What I actually want you to do is four different characteristics of pride that are also socially acceptable.
- Space Between Your Torso and Your Arms: We notice that people who are in pride don’t feel the need to protect themselves, so we see space between their arms and their torso. They gesture and have their hands visible.
- Open Torso: When we feel proud and excited, we don’t mind having our torso exposed and open to the world.
- Space Between Our Ears and Shoulders: When we get anxious, we typically roll our shoulders up towards our ears and sink our head down. You’ll notice that when teenagers are really anxious, they cross their arms over their body and turtle down. We know when there’s not a lot of space between our ears and our shoulders, that person is protecting themselves, and we don’t like to catch that fear. The best thing you can do when showing up on a video call or meeting is to maximize the space between your ears and shoulders. Roll your shoulders down, keep your head up—this space subtly signals to the world, “I feel proud.”
- Checking Your Phone Like James Bond: If you have to check your phone, do it up and out, so you’re able to look at your phone but keep your torso open, head up, and ensure you’re not blocking.
Conclusion
Space, connection, and eye confidence are the foundational elements of our charismatic presence. We use these to build trust, connection, and reduce anxiety. Whether in person or on video, being mindful of these non-verbal cues can significantly enhance your interactions and leave a lasting positive impression.
