Charisma is the incredible ability to inspire, impact, and influence the people around you. The more charismatic you are, the more respect you get for your work and your ideas. Charisma has a wonderful side effect: confidence. Your charisma gives others confidence in you and you more confidence in yourself.
The Power of Charisma
I’ve studied highly charismatic people for over a decade, and what I’ve discovered is that charisma is a social and professional superpower. It helps you in every area of your life. People who have charisma are able to easily drum up interest in their ideas, have a memorable and lasting presence, make a positive first impression, have a lasting reputation, and deepen connections with people who matter to them at work, at home, and at play.
The Science Behind Charisma
Let’s look at the science. Research has found that the more charismatic you are, the more likable you are. Likability is not just important for friends or social gatherings; it’s actually very important for getting people to root for you at work. Investors are more likely to invest in a business where they like the founder. Teammates are more likely to reply quickly to emails from people they like.
Second, researchers found that the more charismatic you are, the more money you make. How can that be? It happens in so many ways. Charismatic people win more negotiations. Charismatic people are more likely to have repeat customers or a loyal following. We like to buy from, hear from, and be around charismatic people. This all translates into your bottom line.
Third, the more charismatic you are, the easier your communication. I like to think of charisma like a social lubricant. Everything is easier, from small talk to shmoozing with VIPs to answering the question, “What do you do?”
Charisma and the Brain
Researchers found that our brains look different when exposed to non-charismatic leaders versus charismatic leaders. In other words, charismatic people literally turn on our brains. Want people to remember you? Want people to be excited to be with you? Charisma is the key to literally waking up people’s brains.
Overcoming Charisma Traps
Here’s the problem: most of us can’t be our most charismatic selves because we get stuck in charisma traps. Over the last 15 years, I’ve worked with millions of students, helping them tap into their inner charisma, and I’ve noticed the same sticky traps block people’s ability to be charismatic. Let’s go through these traps one by one and see if any sound familiar to you.
Trap #1: Charisma is a Finite Resource
I wish we could all have unlimited levels of charisma, but alas, no one can be charismatic all the time. This is the trap that gets us into trouble. If you try to be charismatic all the time, you will burn out. The best way to be more charismatic is to learn how your battery works. Imagine you have a battery inside your working brain. It charges up when we feel good and capable, but it can be drained by extra difficult people, places, and activities.
Ever felt extra drained by bad small talk? Me too, my friend, me too. But sometimes you feel charged up by great small talk. Here’s the key: we’re going to learn that some people, places, and activities drain us faster, while others build us up. We need to learn the difference.
Trap #2: Toxic People
This was a big trap for me. I didn’t realize how many people in my life were draining me. What would happen is I would go out to lunch or walk into a pitch meeting and leave feeling defeated and disappointed. Then I noticed that some of those same people would email me, and the moment I saw their email in my inbox or on a text message, my stomach would drop. It was like even just seeing a message from them, seeing their name, caused me dread.
This is what began my research into toxic people. There are people who put you into survival mode, who trigger your cortisol and adrenaline. It’s almost impossible to be charismatic when you’re in survival mode. These toxic people drain you extra fast; they somehow bring out your worst self. Have you ever been around people who just make you feel crazy? You know those people who doubt you, criticize you, or judge you? These are the folks who throw out passive-aggressive barbs, and you’re always left wondering, “What did that really mean?” These toxic people drain your energy and mental space. We need to learn to avoid them and protect our charisma battery.
Trap #3: I Can’t Learn to Be Charismatic
This trap is the one that had me stuck in anti-charisma for years. I used to think that you’re either born with charisma or you aren’t. I am a recovering awkward person. I struggle with social anxiety and stage fright, and when I get really nervous, I get hives from social interactions, which only make me more nervous. Then I discovered that there’s a hidden rulebook to interactions, that there is actual research on charisma that anyone can learn. With the right strategies, you can learn to be your most charismatic self, even if you aren’t an extrovert. I’m an ambivert, which we’ll learn about in a later lesson.
Learning Tools
Let’s activate what we’ve learned so far. We will have learning tools at the end of every lesson to immediately put your learning to use today.
Exercise: Identify Your Thrive and Survive People
First, I want you to go through the exercises we did and really flesh them out. Identify exactly who and what makes you thrive and survive.
- Make a List of Thrive People:
- Who helps you thrive? These are the boosters, catalysts, and activators in your life. We need more of them in your schedule. In your workbook, make a list of all the people who give you energy. This might be three to five people, or it might be only one, and that’s okay. If you have more than five people, then I am really thrilled for you. So make that list right now, and I’ll give you more time at the end too.
- Make a List of Survival People:
- Next, make a list of the people who put you into survival mode. They are the blockers, the minimizers, the dream killers. We need less of them in our lives. This is a much harder list. I want you to think of the people you dread seeing. I know this is a rough one. These are the people who, when you see them on your calendar, your heart sinks, and you try to think of any excuse to cancel. Who are those folks? I hope you don’t have more than three or ideally you can’t think of anyone. I’m envious if you are toxic-people-free, and you’re off to a good start.
Exercise: Identify Thrive and Survive Places
It’s not only people who make us thrive; it’s also places. Have you noticed that certain locations or activities drain you faster than others? You are not alone. For example, I am allergic to loud bars and nightclubs. I clam up; I get super awkward. The louder it is, the harder it is for me to be charismatic. Do you have places like that? What activities, locations, events, and places drain your confidence and charisma? Make a quick list right now.
Now the opposite: what places help you thrive? For example, I love any kind of learning environment—classes, seminars, online courses. I love making learning buddies and study partners. What activities, locations, events, and places help you feel comfortable and confident? Make a list of the places you love going to, the places that you look forward to, the places you feel like your best self. This can also be activities like public speaking, playing sports, or even pitching. Our goal is to optimize these thrives and survives (or boosters and toxins) so we can always be our most charismatic self.
Example: Amy Poehler’s Social Anxiety Strategy
I want to tell you a story of someone who does a great job with this: the amazing comedian and actress Amy Poehler. Amy Poehler went on Dax Shepard’s podcast and was explaining to him how she deals with her social anxiety at really cool industry parties. Yes, even funny, pretty, smart Amy Poehler worries about her charisma.
Here’s what she said: “I love dancing, and it really helps with my social anxiety. More and more, all those fancy parties that we get invited to, I go to the dance floor, and I don’t leave. The last big Hollywood party I went to, I was anxious. Believe me, even she was anxious. I have quite a bit of social anxiety, and I’m sad to say it’s gotten worse, not better, as I’ve gotten older. So I’m like, okay, how do I get through it? For me, moving really helps me. Almost anywhere I go, I try to get the dance floor going.”
What’s amazing here is the way she calms herself down, and there’s another benefit. By setting herself up to thrive, she attracts the right people. Here’s what she said about that: “The people that come on the dance floor are the people that you want to dance with. The people who come and want to dance are like you, and you don’t have to talk to them; you can just dance together.” I think this is incredible. Amy Poehler finding her thrive place attracted other thrive people. By protecting her charisma and honoring her natural strengths, Poehler is able to be confident and meet the right people.
Exercise: Optimize Your Thrive and Survive Lists
As you begin to think about your activities, areas, people,
places, and things that help you thrive, each one you add to your life will help you build confidence. Each survive or toxic person or thing that you take away will help you be free to be your most charismatic self. Here’s the question: of those lists, who and what should you be saying yes to, and who and what should you be saying no to? What do you need more of in your life to feel like your best self, and who or what do you need less of in your life to be your best self? Building out these two lists should be your anchor to starting this quest.
Conclusion
Before we wrap up this lesson, let’s look at our learning tools to activate what we’ve learned so far. We will have learning tools at the end of every lesson to immediately put your learning to use today.
- Flesh Out Your Lists:
- Go through the exercises and really flesh them out. Identify exactly who and what makes you thrive and survive.
- Activate Your Learning:
- Start adding more of those thrive people and places. If you love being around a certain person, get them in your life more. If you thrive in a certain kind of activity, set yourself up for success by practicing all the charisma tips you will learn in the right settings.
- Set Boundaries:
- This is your chance to say no. Set boundaries, cancel plans with people you dread, and stop doing things that don’t serve you. You deserve to be around people and places that make you feel like your best self.
Before moving on to the next lesson, say no to at least three toxic people. This is the best gift you can give to yourself and the most important first step to being more charismatic. Say no to the bad and make room for the good.
