It is my firm belief that if you are seeking a life partner, you need to be clear about what it is you are looking for—what is important to you.
Clarity is the foundation of a strong, healthy relationship. Without it, you’re likely to attract people who don’t align with your values, goals, or expectations. Defining what you want and need in a relationship is the first step in creating a lasting, meaningful partnership.
If you’ve had more than a few failed relationships, then that’s actually a good thing because it will help you narrow your focus. Each failed relationship offers a valuable lesson about what works and what doesn’t. You probably will develop a list of what you don’t want, and from that list, you can turn the “don’t wants” into qualities and characteristics that you do want. This is key to avoiding the same mistakes over and over again.
My 21-year-old son is currently finding himself yearning for a significant relationship, but he keeps attracting girls into his life who have a lot of insecurities and low self-esteem. When I asked him what he was looking for, the only quality he was concerned with was body size, shape, and attractiveness. He really hadn’t considered the other attributes that attracted him. Consequently, he has been attracting many beautiful young women into his life, but no one has had the staying power because he is not clear about what he wants.
Physical attraction is important, but it’s only part of the equation. If you focus solely on appearance, you may miss out on the deeper connection that sustains a relationship. Attraction fades, but shared values, emotional support, and compatibility endure. I suggested he make a list and put it out there to the Universe and then trust that the Universe will deliver the right person at precisely the right time.
Manifestation begins with clarity. When you know what you want, and you’re intentional about it, you’re more likely to attract someone who aligns with your vision. I suggest you be flexible in your list but not willing to become so compromising that you don’t even recognize the qualities you are seeking anymore. Stay true to your core values, but remain open to the unexpected. Sometimes, the right person might not check every box but could still be exactly what you need.
I already wrote about need strength compatibility in Volume I, Issue 5. Those are things to consider that will determine how well your personalities are suited to each other. Even if you have some incompatible areas in your need strength profile, it doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to find a way to work it out. Find a way to work it out, but you can’t ignore the differences and hope they will go away. You must make a plan to negotiate the areas of conflict.
Every relationship has differences, but what matters is how you manage them. Successful relationships are built on compromise, understanding, and communication. You don’t have to agree on everything, but you do need to be able to navigate conflicts constructively. Ignoring issues or sweeping them under the rug will only lead to bigger problems down the road.
Another thing to consider is how much you have in common. Shared interests and hobbies help deepen your connection. What things do you like to do together? Are there things you love to do that you want to share with your partner? How does your partner feel about doing them? Conversely, are there things your partner loves to do and wants you to love them too but you don’t? It’s important to find a balance between shared activities and personal passions. Having common ground is crucial, but maintaining your individuality is just as vital.
And then you must consider if there are things you love to do without your partner and can your partner understand and accept that? Independence is a sign of a healthy relationship. While spending quality time together is important, so is having space to pursue personal interests. A partner who supports your independence is a keeper, as they trust you and encourage you to grow as an individual.
I also think that a discussion of values is critical to the success of a relationship. Values shape your life and your relationship. Your enumerated lists do not have to match completely, but if one of you is a vegan and the other a farmer raising beef cattle, you may have a value conflict. Value conflicts can cause tension and stress, especially when they’re deeply ingrained. It’s crucial to discuss these early on and determine whether they are deal-breakers or issues you can work through together.
Arguments around money are often the cause of conflict in relationships. Finances are a major factor in long-term relationships. How does each of you feel about spending and saving? What are you building your future toward? Where do you want to live? What kind of cars do you want to drive? Money is more than just numbers—it’s about lifestyle choices and future planning. Being on the same page financially or having a strategy to navigate differences is essential for a harmonious relationship.
If your relationship is to include a family, then you need to discuss your thoughts about family, more than simply how many each of you wants. What are your thoughts about discipline? What are the values that you want to instill in your children? Raising children involves more than just logistics—it’s about shared values and parenting philosophies. How do you feel about religious instruction of your children? How important is education and good grades? These are critical discussions that need to happen early, so there’s no confusion or conflict later on.
Talking about the distribution of housework is also an area to discuss ahead of time. The division of household responsibilities is often overlooked, but it can become a significant source of tension. How much time will be spent together and how much time will be spent apart? Do you like each other’s friends? Do you have couples with whom both are happy to spend time? Social dynamics matter too. How does each of you feel about your partner’s family? Your partner’s relationship with their family can also impact your relationship. It’s important to discuss expectations, boundaries, and how much involvement family will have in your lives.
One thing I know for sure: marrying or committing to someone will not change him or her. People rarely change fundamentally after commitment. Whatever you see now will most likely be there later and possibly even stronger. The thing I like to ask is what if he or she never changes—will you still want to spend the rest of your life with this person? If the answer is no, then it’s important to reconsider your decision.
I am a firm believer that some people come into our lives for a moment, some for a season, and some for a lifetime. The mistake that is often made is that we try to make a moment or a season person fit into a lifetime person. This will never work. Recognizing the role someone is meant to play in your life is key to finding lasting happiness.
I believe strongly that each person who crosses our path in an intimate way is someone from whom we have a lesson to learn. Every relationship, no matter how brief, teaches us something valuable. Value the lesson and, when the time is right, allow that person to exit your life. Holding on to the wrong person only prevents the right one from entering. Stop trying to hold on to someone who is ready to move down the road.
Attempting to hold on to someone who is already gone, mentally or physically, only provides suffering and heartache for both of you. Letting go is hard, but it’s necessary for growth. Always remember that an ending is always a beginning. When one chapter closes, another opens. You simply have to reframe your relationship. When relationships end, don’t look for where to place the blame. Understand that it has run its course, you have been shown the important lessons, and now this person must leave your life to allow for the next phase to begin. Embrace the change, learn from it, and look forward to what comes next.
