In today’s fast-paced world, good communication skills alone are not enough to build a lasting and thriving romance. Relationships often suffer when partners gradually drift apart and no longer see each other as the most significant thing in their world. So, how can you make yourself more significant to your partner? The key lies in not just communication, but in the deep understanding and acceptance of each other’s needs, desires, and goals. In this blog post, we will explore why feeling understood is more important than communication and discuss practical strategies to make him feel understood and become the person he can rely on and trust.
Why Communication Is Not Enough
The divorce rate would not be so high if good communication skills were sufficient to build a lasting romance. The fact is, communication is not enough. It won’t repair relationships that have been damaged by gradually drifting apart.
Relationships that were once beautiful can lose their luster. This happens when partners no longer see each other as the most significant thing in their world.
So, if communication skills are not enough to a strong bond with your partner, what can you do? How can you become more significant to your partner?
Feeling understood is what matters.
Yes, communication can help with this, but it’s not the real goal. I can memorize Italian phrases, but if I don’t know what they mean, I’m not really speaking Italian. In the same way, communication is only valuable to the extent that it actually allows you to understand your partner. Feeling understood is profoundly intimate. When you and your partner both feel you understand each other — understand each other’s needs, understand each other’s secret desires, and understand what matters to each of you in this life — it builds a lasting connection, meaning, and a purpose for being together as a unit.
How to Make Him Feel Understood
If it’s being understood that builds feelings of significance, how do you ensure he feels understood? If good communication skills aren’t enough, what is enough?
Yes, good listening skills still matter, but there’s something that matters even more. Show him you understand the things that make him feel alive. In other words, show him you “get it.” You understand him.
I’m talking about discussions that reveal you understand the hidden secrets of his masculine instincts. I’m talking about your power to become the one person in this world who truly has his back.
Let’s pause to discuss what that phrase means.
Men often say, “I want someone who will have my back.” But women are often confused by this phrase.
When I tell women how much men want someone who will “have their back,” they often ask, “What exactly does that mean?” Why would a man care so much about someone having his back?
The answer to that question is at the root of what I’m trying to share with you right now. When he says, “I want her to have my back,” he is communicating the following messages:
- “I want a partner I can rely on and trust no matter what the world throws at us.”
- “I want someone who will support me as I pursue my mission in life.”
- “I want someone who will defend me even if she secretly questions my judgment on a given issue.”
Let me illustrate with examples on how to become his back
Scenario #1: The Car Purchase
Alex, an enthusiast of sporty cars, considers buying a used car. Emma, his fiancée, has concerns about practicality and safety, especially considering their potential future with children. Rather than openly expressing her worries in front of a car salesman, Emma strategically frames the salesman as an outsider, suggesting they work together against him. She reinforces their common goal, proposing they delay the purchase to review safety features later, aligning herself with Alex’s goals and becoming a significant, supportive presence in his decision-making.
Scenario #2: The Barbecue Incident
Sophie asks Ryan to dress nicer for a friend’s birthday barbecue, but he opts for a casual outfit. Ryan’s discomfort grows when teased about his attire. Sophie, instead of having his back, publicly mocks him, aligning herself with those making fun. This triggers a switch in Ryan, causing him to reevaluate the relationship. Sophie’s failure to support Ryan in a small social encounter erodes the foundation of trust and connection, leading to a decline in their relationship.
In both scenarios, the key distinction lies in how the partners approach their concerns. Emma strategically aligns herself with Alex’s goals, becoming an insider who supports him. On the other hand, Sophie inadvertently distances herself from Ryan by joining others in mocking him, diminishing her significance in his life. The subtle differences in approach highlight the importance of having each other’s back in building and maintaining a strong, meaningful connection.
THE X-RAY QUESTION
We’ve established that feeling understood is actually more important than good communication. But we’ve only barely touched the surface of what it means to feel understood. Let’s get back to that important topic now.
The deepest level of understanding comes from knowledge of a person’s needs and desires. He’s getting his primary needs met somehow. If you learn how he is currently getting his needs met, you will discover many opportunities to become a source of the things he craves.
Needs and desires. These are the two things I want you to train your mind to observe. Knowing someone’s needs and desires will allow you to give them the feeling of being understood.
There are many subtle layers of needs and desires you can learn about a person. But I want you to start at the top with the most important desire. I’m talking about his highest goal. It’s probably not what you would expect, so allow me to explain.
His highest goal is actually a feeling. It’s the feeling he gets when he is actively living his life’s purpose. His highest goal is driven by a desire to live for and toward something meaningful. It’s different for each of us, but you can discover what it is by asking him to use just one word to explain why a recent activity felt particularly meaningful.
How to Find Out His Needs and Desire through Conversation…
Ask him to reflect on the past month and share a moment that made him feel particularly good or meaningful. Dig deeper by repeatedly asking, “What was it about that experience that felt good to you?” This process unveils his highest goals in life. For instance, when Jillian asked Paul about a recent meaningful experience, he mentioned helping his brother move. When asked further, he expressed that it made him feel important, free, and content. Jillian identified that, contrary to expectations, Paul’s core value was freedom, not just work accomplishments. Recognizing this deeper desire provided insight into Paul’s needs and desires beyond his usual work-oriented discussions.
This gives her power. With this knowledge, she can become more significant in his life as one of the few people who encourages him to create more frequent opportunities to bask in complete freedom.
Examples of Using His Needs and Desires in Conversation
Paul, a responsible and caring father with a keen sense of control, values freedom. Jillian recognizes this desire and aims to become a catalyst for increasing freedom in his life. Encouraging him to dream big, she suggests reconsidering tasks like lawn maintenance, allowing for more free time. Jillian learns about Paul’s goal of early retirement and incorporates low-cost, freeing date ideas. As the relationship deepens, she explores ways to enhance his sense of freedom, such as part-time consulting or planning budget-friendly getaways. By understanding and actively supporting Paul’s desires, Jillian becomes the person who helps him achieve a greater sense of freedom, solidifying her significance in his life.
CONFLICTING DESIRES?
What about Jillian’s own needs? What if her desires conflict with his?
First of all, when a person’s needs are being met, it puts them in a generous mood. People become more selfish and self-centered when they are hurting, not when they are flourishing. So Jillian’s efforts are likely to rebound. She will reap what she sows. He will look for ways to enhance her life and show his appreciation for the joy she brings to his.
Second, conflicting desires are much easier to overcome when both partners are actively working to meet each other’s needs. Entrenched patterns of self-serving behavior and stubborn refusal to compromise come to an end. That’s because self-serving interactions only arise when two people are defensively trying to meet their own needs. Fortunately, paranoia and jealousy are unable to gain a foothold in a relationship when both partners are looking for ways to maximize each other’s joy.
Conclusion
In conclusion, communication alone is not enough to make him obsessed with you. Feeling understood and having someone who has his back are what truly matter. Understanding and supporting his needs and desires, especially his highest goal in life, will make you more significant in his life. By actively meeting each other’s needs and desires, conflicts can be easily resolved, and the relationship can flourish.
So, if you want to make him obsessed with you, focus on understanding and supporting him at a deep level. Show him that you truly “get it” and have his back. This will create a strong bond and a meaningful connection that will stand the test of time.
Remember, it’s not just about communication. It’s about feeling understood and becoming the person who fulfills his deepest needs and desires. And in return, he will do the same for you. Build a relationship that thrives on understanding, support, and joy, and watch as it becomes an obsession that lasts a lifetime.
Note: some of the parts are taken from website called Become His Secret Obsession