I’m going to teach you an advanced science for reading people, understanding needs, and most importantly, predicting behavior.
Now, I don’t know about you, but growing up I was taught the Golden Rule: treat others as you would treat yourself. This was okay and served me well, but as I got older, I realized that science doesn’t support the Golden Rule as much as it supports the Platinum Rule. The Platinum Rule says: treat others as they would treat themselves. This is where things get much more interesting. If we treat others the way they want to be treated, we bond quicker, build trust more quickly, and deepen connection. Let me explain how this works.
The Science Behind Personality Traits
Research has found that 35 to 60% of our personality is genetic, depending on the trait we’re looking at. Somehow, the way we act and think is genetically wired. If our nature is defining so much of our personality, it means we can study it.
Researchers did exactly this. They looked at three-year-olds. Now, I have a three-year-old daughter, and she was born with personality—she’s feisty, sweet, and oh so opinionated. Researchers asked caregivers of three-year-olds to rate their personalities, asking questions like how extroverted or conscientious their child was. Then, they followed these kids for 23 years.
At 26 years old, they wanted to know if these people had the same personality traits as their three-year-old selves. They found that the observed traits at age three were the same as the reported traits at age 26. This is incredible. It means that even as young as three years old, personality has already formed.
The Big Five Personality Traits
Here are the five personality traits that research has found consistent across cultures, genders, and races. While there are many personality tests out there, like Myers-Briggs and Enneagram, the one called the Big Five is the only academically proven personality framework seen across cultures. I am so excited to teach it to you.
Researchers have found that every single person has these same five personality traits: openness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, extraversion, and agreeableness. Don’t worry, we will go through each of them one by one and in depth.
How to Quickly Connect with Anyone
Openness: Exploring New Ideas
Openness is how you approach ideas. People who are high in openness are explorers—they love experimenting, trying new things, and going on adventures. They crave new experiences, foods, sights, and people. They thrive with newness.
When high open people don’t have things to look forward to, they feel bored, drained, and burnt out. On the other hand, people who are low in openness are preservers. They love predictability, routine, and tradition. They like to know what’s happening and what’s going to happen. They thrive in predictability and get energy from routine.
The key difference between high and low open people is what gives them energy. High opens get energy from new things, while low opens get energy from predictability. Neither of these is right or wrong; there is no right or wrong personality trait. We need to honor the differences and understand that we need people on all parts of the personality spectrum because we each have different talents and strengths.
Understanding Your Level of Openness
Where do you think you fall in openness? Are you high, low, or somewhere in between? Take a few moments in your workbook to place yourself on this scale.
Here is a fun way to test your openness preferences, which is also a great way to see how open someone else in your life is. Ask them, “What do you want for lunch?” If you ask a high open person, they’ll likely want to try somewhere new. If you ask a low open person, they’ll likely want to go to their favorite place and order the same thing they always do.
High open people produce more dopamine, which is why they crave and seek new experiences. Low open people produce less dopamine more slowly, so trying something new doesn’t have the same chemical payoff for them. This wiring is incredibly important for understanding the people around you and yourself.
If you are a high open, prevent your own burnout by adding new things into your life. If you’re low open or know low opens, preserve their routines and traditions. If you introduce something new, make sure it’s proven and worth it.
Spotting High Openness
Another way to spot a high open person is by looking at their calendar. High open people have calendars filled with new activities, while low open people have predictable schedules. High opens can become difficult and burnt out when bored, whereas low opens become difficult when forced into newness. Understanding these traits helps you honor the openness of those around you.
For the high opens in your life, honor their need for newness and utilize their adventurous spirit. For the low opens, start with what isn’t changing when introducing something new and use data to prove that the change will be worth it. We need both high and low open people to discover new opportunities and protect existing ones.
Think of three people in your life whom you want to say yes to and identify their level of openness. Knowing this helps you approach them in the best ways, whether it’s by planning new adventures for high opens or maintaining routines for low opens.
If you’re not sure where you or others fall in openness, take the official Big Five personality test. Use the results to understand and honor your strengths and those of the important people in your life.
