The phone is on its fourth ring. It could be your mother, or your best friend. Or it could be him – the man who boxed you into conversation at that party on Friday night. Was he sweet? Certainly. Were you attracted to him? No. So explain this – after you suppressed another yawn, he said, “I’d love to see you again. Can I take your number?”
Every bone in your body whimpered, “Me? You? No, no!” but you said, “Oh, er, Ok. My number is…” So here you sit, glaring at the phone, a prisoner of your own social life.
For so many women, rebuffing that nice man with the sex appeal of a warthog is the social equivalent of sticking pins under your fingernails. Why agree to see a man you don’t like? “I don’t want to hurt his feelings,” is often the excuse. So, is it cowardice or compassion that makes saying no so hard?
That said, faced with rejection, many men prefer a neatly wrapped white lie to blunt reality. But isn’t that deception? Who benefits when you tell a man you don’t find him attractive? You don’t want to say it, and he certainly doesn’t want to hear it.
What Do Men Want to Hear?
So, what do men want to hear, if not yes? “I have a boyfriend,” takes top marks in the lie department. “When a woman tells me she has a boyfriend, I think, ‘Well, if she wasn’t attached she’d jump at the chance,’” says Louis, 26, a solicitor.
But what if the man in question knows you’re single? Try, “I’m sorry, I’m just so incredibly busy.” However, don’t elaborate with something like, “I have to get home to watch the paint peel.” He may volley back with, “Well, that shouldn’t take long. Let’s meet for coffee later.”
You could also make it your personal policy never to give out your phone number. If a man asks, respond politely with, “I’m sorry, I just don’t give out my phone number.” If he persists, say, “Why don’t I take your number?” You’re saying you’ll take it. You’re not saying you’ll use it.
Letting Him Down Gently
Above all, the key to brushing off a man nicely is just that – to be nice. “I’m busy” can sound either sincere or agitated, depending on your tone and expression. Following these tips will certainly help you:
First, look relaxed, even if you’re stunned. Smile and make eye contact. Second, keep your voice calm and say something such as, “Thanks, I’m flattered, but I’m just too busy.” Don’t speak too quickly, or you’ll look awkward. Third, respond with a downward inflection at the end of your sentence, while maintaining eye contact. A dip in your voice when you say the word “busy” connotes authority and lets him know you mean it. Your smile, however, shows him you mean it in a no-hard-feelings way.
Virtually all men agree that no matter what you say and how you say it, the sooner you let him down, the better. Rest assured, when you turn him down, he’ll get over it. If he has the ego to ask you out, he has the ego to move on.
The Power of Timing
Timing is crucial when it comes to turning a man down. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. If you know from the get-go that you’re not interested, it’s better to shut things down before he gets too invested.
Men appreciate honesty, and while it might sting a little at first, being upfront and respectful helps everyone move forward faster. Dragging it out only makes things more awkward.
Honesty or White Lies?
The line between honesty and white lies can be blurry. A little white lie – “I’m just too busy” or “I’ve got a boyfriend” – can save a man’s feelings in the moment. But is it really the right thing to do?
While honesty may feel harsh, it’s often the most respectful option. If a guy presses you for a reason, a gentle but honest answer might be, “I don’t feel a connection, but I really appreciate your interest.”
Being Compassionate While Saying No
It’s important to remember that men have feelings, too. Rejection doesn’t have to be cold or harsh. A little compassion goes a long way. You can soften the blow by acknowledging his effort, saying something like, “You seem like a really great guy, but I just don’t feel that spark.”
That way, you’re showing him respect without leading him on. And most importantly, you’re staying true to your own feelings without compromising your boundaries.
Setting Personal Boundaries
For some women, the thought of turning a guy down feels daunting because they don’t want to be perceived as “mean.” But it’s crucial to remember that you have the right to say no. Just because someone asks for your number doesn’t mean you’re obligated to give it out.
Setting personal boundaries, like deciding in advance that you won’t give out your phone number unless you’re genuinely interested, can help make these situations less stressful. You’re in control of who gets access to you – and that’s something to embrace.
Alternative Ways to Say No
Here are some other ways to turn a man down gently:
- “Thank you, I’m flattered, but I’m just not looking for anything right now.”
- “I’m focusing on other things in my life right now, so I’m not really available.”
- “You seem really nice, but I don’t think we’re a match.”
These responses are polite but firm, leaving no room for ambiguity. They show respect for both yourself and the man, while keeping things clear and honest.
Keep it Light and Casual
When turning down a man, don’t feel pressured to offer a lengthy explanation. Often, a simple, light response is all that’s needed. There’s no need to justify your decision. If you’re not interested, you’re not interested – and that’s completely okay.
The key is to keep things casual and non-confrontational. A quick, polite answer lets him know where you stand without any unnecessary drama.
You’re Not Obligated to Say Yes
Remember, you’re never obligated to say yes. It’s your time, your energy, and your life. Turning down a date or declining to give out your number doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you honest – and that’s something to be proud of.
So next time the phone rings, and you find yourself dreading that awkward conversation, take a deep breath. You’ve got this.
