For some couples, fighting is the fire that keeps their relationship alive. It lets them know that the other person still cares, and that the relationship isn’t over yet. Many couples get stuck in a cycle of battling each other, determined to win a fight that never ends.
Some try to right the wrongs they’ve experienced in past relationships with their current partner. But this behavior is doomed to fail. When we carry emotional baggage from the past into new relationships, all those relationships become extensions of our past wounds.
What Couples Keep Fighting
It’s essential to understand why couples keep fighting. For some, fighting is their way of staying connected. The arguments become a fire that keeps their relationship alive. It reassures them that the relationship isn’t dead, that sparks are still there, and that there is something worth fighting for. In this way, fighting can keep couples bonded, making them think about each other constantly, even when they aren’t together.
Some people are addicted to the power struggle. They enjoy winning battles and feeling like they have control over their partner. This dynamic makes them feel strong and powerful. Unfortunately, fighting can become an unhealthy habit, something couples fall into automatically. It prevents real communication from developing, acting as a way of blaming or threatening the other person instead of addressing the real issues. This leaves the relationship stuck, with no resolution in sight.
Mary, a 26-year-old administrative assistant, says, “Without a good fight, a relationship is over. The lights have gone off between us. It’s a sign my partner no longer cares.”
Mary, who recently went through a divorce and is now in another turbulent relationship, believes that she’ll eventually marry a man who can withstand her fights. “I respect a guy I can fight with, someone who can handle me as I am,” she says.
For Mary, being angry, fighting, and winning has become part of her identity. Without the conflict, she no longer knows who she is. She’s unaware of the price she’s paying for this kind of relationship or the toll it’s taking on her emotional well-being and her partner.
Sadly, the anger that individuals live with can become a part of their identity. When anger becomes habitual, people can lose touch with who they truly are without it. This blocks the happiness, flexibility, communication, and intimacy they desire.
The Consequences of Fighting
Roger, for example, refused to let his ex-wife express her needs. Whenever she brought up an issue, he immediately took it as criticism. “She’s trying to tell me I’m inadequate,” he would say, and the war would begin. What could have been a simple conversation would spiral into a power struggle. For Roger, his sense of manhood felt like it was constantly under attack.
However, as long as any of us hold onto our anger and continue fighting, there is no hope of working the problems through, or even truly understanding what is really going on. Roger could not pause and realize that his partner’s needs and feelings had nothing to do with him. He was determined to take whatever she said or did personally and keep feeling badly about himself. These are many consequences when we cling to anger and allow it to turn into our sense of who we are.
Beyond that, it’s impossible not to receive the fruits of what you have put forth. “As you sow, so shall you reap,” is an immutable law of living. Although we may justify all kinds of behavior it is absolutely inevitable that we will experience the consequences of our thoughts, actions and deeds. Depression arises, hopelessness and the inability to love again.
There are many steps involved in letting go of anger. The very first step is to realize that anger is a toxin. It is not a source of strength or power, but can become an addiction, a substitute for true power and wisdom, something that hinders our well being and stops our life from going forward.
There are definite steps we can take to undo anger. And in order to begin a new chapter and to build a positive relationship both with ourselves and others, it is necessary to begin this process.
Here are a few steps one can take to begin. They are taken from The Anger Diet which offers one step a day for thirty days. These following guidelines are simple, but powerful. Why not try them today and see.
Putting An End To The War
1) Stop Blaming – It is absolutely pointless for you to blame yourself or the other. Blame stops you from seeing the truth. While we are engaged in pointing a finger, and making the other feel guilty, we cannot see what is really going on. Blame is a way to keep the fight alive. TAKE A VACATION FROM BLAME FOR ONE DAY.
Instead of thinking of all the ways the person has hurt you keep your eyes open to watch how you may be stoking the fires. Focus upon what the person has done for you, instead, the ways in which they have been kind.
2) Realize The Price You Are Paying For These Fights Unless we truly realize the terribly toll fighting is taking on us, we will continue it automatically. Honestly take note of the consequences each fight brings, what it is doing to your body, mind and spirit. Then ask do I truly want this? Haven’t I suffered enough? Why not stop it today?
3) Know There Is A Better Way – You have to become aware that there is a better way to be in a relationship. This is the time to expand your view. Define success as being happy rather than being right. Learn other tools and techniques which will de-escalate anger and make a positive relationship possible for you.
4) Build A Strong Sense of Self-Worth
The basis of all good relationships is a feeling of worthiness, a desire to honor, gift and pleasure yourself, and to do the same for the other. Choose this kind of relationship and let go of all that opposes it.
As we have the courage to let go of anger, not only does our health improve, but soon we notice many kinds of wonderful, new people and experiences entering our lives. We attract what we focus upon. When we focus upon well-being, forgiveness and love, that is what will fill our lives.
