Why Your Relationship Lost Its Spark: 5 Key Principles to Fix It

Why is it that so many relationships, which start off with such energy and enthusiasm, seem to lose their glitter just a few weeks down the road? Studies have shown that there are five basic principles, which govern the quality of a relationship in the long run.

Understanding and applying these principles can significantly impact the longevity and satisfaction in your relationship.

Principle #1: Knowledge of the Other Person’s Preferences

How does your husband or wife like to be told that you love him or her? Would you like to be touched in a certain way, or would you like to be embraced in a particular manner?

Or perhaps you prefer love to be expressed through words, or you appreciate being looked in the eyes in a specific way. Love is a very delicate affair, and the surest way of sabotaging your relationship is to be aloof of the other person’s preferences.

Over the months and years, most people realize what makes their lover express love. However, some don’t, and this can be fatal for the relationship. If you think you haven’t yet discovered your partner’s preferences, this is the first thing you should do. Often called the “Love Strategy,” you must make a conscious effort to discover it, and meet it on a consistent basis.

For instance, if your partner values acts of service, making the effort to do things for them can be more meaningful than verbal affirmations. Understanding these nuances can deepen the emotional connection and foster a stronger bond.

Principle #2: Relationship is a Place to Give, Not Take

Often, people approach a relationship as a place to solve their problems. While a relationship could definitely solve problems, this approach tends to dis-empower both the people involved in it.

If you have not been cuddled or pampered as a child and use a relationship as a place to receive such treatment, you are dis-empowering yourself of your ability to take any initiative because you are constantly looking for your partner to treat you in a certain way.

Instead, what one should do in such a case is concentrate on giving something into the relationship. Such contribution of love and affection will automatically elicit the kind of treatment you desire.

By focusing on what you can offer rather than what you can take, you create a positive environment that encourages mutual support and understanding. For example, if you initiate thoughtful gestures or support your partner in their endeavors, it often inspires them to reciprocate in kind.

Principle #3: Learn to Communicate Your Problems with Your Partner

Dr. Barbara De Angelis, in her bestselling book, “How to Make Love All the Time,” identifies four stages in a relationship that can kill it. And, by identifying it, one can immediately intervene and eliminate the problems before they become unmanageably large.

Phase 1: Resistance
This is the first phase of challenges in a relationship. It occurs when you take exception to something your partner said or did which you did not like. Maybe, it was a joke that you didn’t find very tasteful, or a statement that offended you, or something else which you wished hadn’t happened.

Of course, resistance is bound to happen in a relationship between two human beings, but the secret is to talk it over, and settle it before it reaches the second phase. Ignoring or suppressing these feelings only leads to greater issues later.

Phase 2: Resentment
Resistance, if not handled properly, can lead to resentment. Now, your irritation with your partner grows into anger, and a communication barrier is erected between you and him/her. In this phase, you begin to avoid your partner, and the intimacy that you both enjoyed is virtually over. It’s crucial to address these feelings of resentment openly and honestly.

Phase 3: Rejection
If resistance is not eased, or if you and your partner do not talk the matter over, you may move into the third phase: rejection.

This is the beginning of the physical separation from your partner. Coupled with emotional separation, in this phase, you begin to find everything about your partner annoying and irritating.

Rejection often leads to emotional distancing, which can erode the relationship’s foundation.

Phase 4: Repression
This is the most dangerous phase of the demise of your relationship. In this phase, you stop communicating with your partner altogether. There is an emotional numbness between the two of you. Slowly, you just become a roommate of your partner, not concerned with what he or she is doing or feeling.

Repression signifies a deep disconnect, where communication is almost non-existent.

So, what is the way to avoid this dangerous trap? Dr. De Angelis says, it’s simple: Talk. Talking about one’s problems, one’s concerns, and one’s likes and dislikes is the only way to ensure smooth sailing.

Adequate and meaningful communication is an essential component of any relationship. Regular discussions help address issues before they fester and create a deeper connection.

Principle #4: Never Threaten Your Relationship

A lot of couples have the habit of saying things like, “You do that, and I am leaving you.” This can be disastrous because, although most of the time such a statement is not supposed to be taken very seriously, what if one day, your spouse said, “Go ahead and leave. I will do things my way.”

If such a case arises, one’s ego may often force him or her to follow up on their threat (of leaving), and that is the end of the relationship. The point is that no matter what situation arises, there is no justification for threatening your relationship if you want it to last a lifetime.

Threats can undermine trust and stability in a relationship. Instead of making threats, focus on constructive ways to address conflicts. Approach problems with a mindset of finding solutions together rather than using threats as a means of manipulation.

Principle #5: Strive to Constantly Add Glitter to Your Relationship

Just like any other emotion, a relationship also needs to be constantly propped up. You need to constantly excite your partner and ignite his or her desire for you.

One way to reinforce your feelings of connection and renew your feelings of intimacy and attraction is to constantly ask questions that would make your partner express love. Questions like, “How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?” can evoke feelings of appreciation and love.

Try to surprise each other. Do outrageous things, like arranging an outing to a place where your partner would have never imagined.

Express love in an out-of-the-way manner and have fun doing it. Creative surprises and thoughtful gestures keep the relationship dynamic and exciting.

In conclusion, maintaining a vibrant and passionate relationship requires ongoing effort and understanding.

By applying these five principles—knowing your partner’s preferences, focusing on giving, communicating effectively, avoiding threats, and continually adding excitement—you can foster a relationship that remains fulfilling and strong.