It happens to most of us at least once during our lives. What was so wonderful at the start of the relationship— that amazing feeling of being in love— suddenly comes to an end. Our loved one leaves us, one way or another, and we are left with the pieces, feeling broken-hearted. Humans bond deeply to one another, and when these deep attachments are broken, we suffer.
We feel bereft, betrayed, depressed, hopeless, furious, deeply saddened, anxious for the future, and in pain. All of these emotions can seem overwhelming. It’s natural. But it’s also important to recognize that healing is possible, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Although the following steps are not a miracle cure, letting them guide you may help you recover quicker from a broken heart. If you need more help than this article can offer, seek us out at Sex and Relationships (see resource box) for more advice on sex, sexuality, and relationships.
Step 1: Acknowledge that it’s over.
However things ended between you and your lover, you need to acknowledge that for now, at least, things are over between you. You may not want to give up hope yet. You might even hold on to the thought that your lover will return one day, but you need to accept that right now, you will need to be facing life without them, day by day.
Acceptance of loss is one of the first steps to grieving. Allow your feelings to be whatever they are—loss, rage, hurt, sadness, or even nothingness— but keep your thinking clear. He or she has gone, and you need to live your life, one day at a time, without them.
Even if you still hope you can win them back, this still applies to you. Accept how things are for now, and start to get back on your feet. Being a clingy emotional mess won’t bring your lover back. Taking control of your emotions will.
Step 2: Acknowledge your emotions.
A broken heart is painful. We often experience a whole range of unpleasant emotions from grief, betrayal, hurt, disappointment, anger, disbelief, guilt, yearning, anxiety, jealousy, rage, sadness, hopelessness, and despair. Some people go numb and listless rather than very emotional. They feel deadened and lifeless.
Whatever you are feeling, let yourself feel it. See whether you can name what you are feeling at different points in time. Explain to yourself why you are feeling that way. Psychologists call this skill ‘mentalising,’ and it’s about creating meaning out of the storm inside.
Ultimately, that will help you process the feelings and move on.
You could also write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal or find some other means of expressing what’s going on. Talk to people about how you’re doing, such as your friends and family. If you don’t have anybody in your life with whom you can do this, find a self-help group on the internet.
Be patient with yourself. Give yourself time. Look after yourself to the best of your ability by eating well, exercising, and being around other people. If you feel a flood of emotion, make sure you release it by crying, sobbing, shouting, and moving (even a long walk can help).
If you tend to feel nothing, make time and space to grieve. Don’t be afraid of the feelings. In the end, they are just feelings – just electrochemical energy in your brain.
Step 3: Reflect on who you are now.
Losing a loved one doesn’t just mean the most important person in your life is gone, but also that you are not the same person yourself anymore. Losing a loved one affects our dreams, our identity and our hopes for the future.
We become the person who has been left behind, or who had to leave, who was betrayed, abandoned or who felt he or she couldn’t stay. The impact of the ending deeply affects our self-image, our identity, how we see others and what we think is possible in life for us.
Make sure you are honest and clear in your thinking. Yes, this relationship has ended, but that doesn’t mean all relationships will end or that you will never find someone else. That’s catastrophising. Listen to your friends, even if you don’t believe yet what they are saying,
e.g. that you are an attractive person and that your lover has made a big mistake. In the end you need to make sure you can integrate what has happened into your self-image. Keep your options open for the future by keeping your own image of yourself as a good, attractive and worthwhile person, other people as mostly trustworthy and good to be with, and the world as an exciting and fairly predictable place in which stuff on occasion can go wrong.
This puts you in a position where you see yourself, other people and the world as generally OK, rather than one or more of them as intrinsically bad. You might also find that as you adjust your self-image and your expectations for the future, losing the dream of what you thought you had with your lover is just as painful, if not more so, than losing him or her.
And while you reflect, forgive yourself. Some time we don’t let go of relationships, because we keep thinking it was our fault that it ended. If we had only done more, or talked more, or not done this thing or that thing, then maybe we’d still be together with the loved one and all would be bliss.
No. Guilt is a horrible emotion which keeps people locked into negative thinking. In the end what you did is what you did. Are there any lessons you need to learn from what has happened? Would you really choose to do things differently next time? Would that be possible or sensible?
Most people take too much responsibility for what has happened even if it was pretty much out of their control, or really their lover’s responsibility. If you find you still have regrets then change so that next time round you will be better equipped to deal with your relationship.
Guilt and regret with no action are useless and pretty self-indulgent. If you are struggling with being in a different place then get some help through friends, books or psychotherapy. In the end do let it go, forgive yourself. Whatever you did wrong you can do better next time round. We all make mistakes and slowly grow through learning from them.
Step 4: Live your life, day by day.
If you’re struggling, take it one day at a time. The bigger picture can feel overwhelming, but just deal with today. Focus on the here and now. If you’re doing something simple, like washing the dishes, concentrate on that task. Being mindful of the present moment can slow down your internal emotional process.
Ground yourself in the moment. Feel the textures, colors, and sounds around you. This simple act of presence can help you reconnect with the world and remind you that you are surviving. Even during painful times, this awareness of the present moment can anchor you.
Step 5: Remember back to your life before your lover.
It might seem impossible to imagine how you managed without your lover before you met them, but you did. You lived your own life without even knowing they existed. You had dreams, hopes, and plans that had nothing to do with them.
It’s crucial to find who you are again, on your own, without your lover. Rediscover your older self, your dreams, hopes, and desires. This helps you separate psychologically from them and stand strong on your own again.
Step 6: Work at having a good life.
Building a good life takes effort. The end of a relationship may mean losing places you loved visiting together or letting go of shared friends and activities. This can be a painful process.
But you can rebuild your life to be even richer than before. A new life won’t appear out of nowhere. You’ll have to put in effort and time. Take risks. Put yourself in new situations to make new friends.
Moving out of your comfort zone is important. If you moved to a new city, you’d need to create a new life. Losing your lover might give you a window of opportunity. You could finally take that course, go on that trip, or reconnect with friends your lover wasn’t fond of.
This is your time. You don’t need to compromise anymore.
Step 7: Have some hope.
One of the persistent myths is that there is only one person who is right for us. This idea comes from ancient Greek philosophy, around 3,000 years ago. Humanity has moved on since then.
We have many more opportunities to meet new people and fall in love than people did back in ancient Greece. Imagine all the amazing lovers you might have missed out on if your relationship had continued until the end of your life!
Most people meet several others in their lifetime with whom they could be very happy. Each relationship is unique, but life offers many potential ways to find happiness. You may be happy with person A, in city X, living one kind of life.
But you could also be happy with person B, in city Y, living differently. While life won’t be the same with a different person, it’s very likely you can be happy in a different way.
Who knows? Maybe another amazing and lovely person is just around the next corner!
