Celine was just starting to date again after a difficult breakup. She was feeling anxious because she didn’t want to go through another unhappy relationship, but she didn’t trust herself to make good choices. She sought my help in learning how to discern a promising relationship from one that is bound to fail.
In Celine’s last relationship, she had been pulled in by Gary’s ardent pursuit of her. She had wanted to go slower but didn’t listen to herself. Instead, she gave herself up to Gary’s attention and compliments.
“Celine, my experience with men who come on strong right away is that they are often controlling and needy. Is that what happened with Gary?”
“Yes. He seemed so loving and open at the beginning, but once we were in a committed relationship, he started to pull on me for time and attention. He became critical and angry and petulant when I didn’t give him what he wanted. How could I have known all this at the beginning? What should I look for now that I’m dating again?”
Celine had gone on one date with a man named Mark. After this first date, Mark emailed her, saying that he wanted to spend a lot of time with her and go on a trip with her.
“Shades of Gary,” she said. “This is a red flag, right?”
Celine and I explored some of the red flags as well as some of the signs of a promising relationship.
What is a Red Flags Warning in Relationships?
Red flags are warning signs that something might be wrong in a relationship. These signs suggest that a person’s behavior or personality traits could lead to problems down the road. Let’s look at some common red flags that Celine learned to identify.
- Coming on Strong: If someone comes on very strong at the beginning of a relationship, it can be a red flag. This might indicate that they are needy or controlling, as was the case with Gary, Celine’s ex-boyfriend.
- Anger and Criticism: If the person becomes angry, critical, or withdrawn when you say no or set boundaries, it’s a significant red flag. It shows they might not respect your feelings or needs.
- Manipulative Behavior: Trying to talk you out of your feelings or making you feel wrong for your emotions is a red flag. Healthy relationships involve mutual respect and understanding.
- Self-Centeredness: If the person talks mostly about themselves and shows little interest in you, this indicates a lack of empathy and genuine interest in you.
- Problematic Relationship History: Numerous broken marriages, an abusive background without therapy, or abandoning their children are major red flags.
- Addictions: Participating in unacceptable addictions like smoking, drinking, drugs, or gambling is another red flag.
- Financial Irresponsibility: Being careless with money and expecting you to handle their finances can lead to serious relationship issues.
- Lack of Truthfulness: Dishonesty and having few friends are significant red flags. A trustworthy partner is crucial for a healthy relationship.
- Judgmental Attitudes: Talking disparagingly about themselves and others, or being possessive and jealous, can indicate deeper issues.
- Different Values: Having totally different views on religion, spirituality, or lifestyle can create long-term conflicts.
- Few Interests or Hobbies: A person with few interests or hobbies may lack the ability to find joy and fulfillment independently.
Green Flags: Signs of a Promising Relationship
On the flip side, green flags are positive signs that indicate a healthy and potentially successful relationship. Here’s what Celine learned to look for:
- Respect for Feelings: A promising partner shows respect for your feelings and needs, even when they differ from their own.
- Empathy and Compassion: Being able to empathize and show compassion is a strong green flag.
- Genuine Interest: A good partner is genuinely interested in what you have to say and eager to learn about you.
- Non-Judgmental Attitude: Acceptance of self and others without judgment is a key trait of a healthy relationship.
- Open to Conflict Resolution: Being open to exploring and resolving conflicts and differences is crucial for long-term compatibility.
- Reliability: Doing what they say they will do shows reliability and trustworthiness.
- Responsible Parenting: Caring about and being responsible for children from previous relationships indicates maturity and responsibility.
- Self-Responsibility: Taking responsibility for their own feelings and health, and not making you responsible for their well-being, is essential.
- Financial Responsibility: Being financially responsible and not expecting you to take care of them financially is important for a balanced relationship.
- Self-Awareness: Taking responsibility for their part in past relationship difficulties, especially if divorced, shows self-awareness and growth.
- Positive Relationship History: Having been in a loving relationship in the past often means they know how to maintain a healthy relationship.
- Healthy Friendships: Having friends that you like and who are supportive is a good sign of a well-rounded individual.
- Positive Talk: Talking about others in caring and supportive ways reflects a kind and positive attitude.
- Fulfilled Interests: Having interests and hobbies that are fulfilling to them shows that they know how to find joy and satisfaction independently.
- Similar Values: Sharing similar religious or spiritual paths can create a deeper connection.
- Supportive: A supportive partner who feels joy for your joy and pain for your pain is a great match.
- Good Sense of Humor: Being able to laugh at mistakes and having a good sense of humor helps in dealing with life’s challenges.
- Balanced Life: Maintaining a balance between work and play indicates they know how to work hard and enjoy life.
Yellow Flags: Proceed with Caution
Yellow flags aren’t as severe as red flags but are still worth paying attention to. They suggest that there may be potential issues that need to be addressed. Here are some examples:
- Inconsistent Behavior: If a person’s actions and words don’t consistently align, it’s worth noting and discussing.
- Past Relationship Troubles: Having some unresolved issues from past relationships can be a yellow flag, but not necessarily a deal-breaker if they are working on them.
- Mild Addictions: Engaging in habits that are mildly addictive (like excessive TV watching or occasional drinking) should be discussed to understand their impact on the relationship.
- Occasional Financial Irresponsibility: Sometimes being careless with money can be a yellow flag, but it’s important to understand the context and frequency.
Blue Flags: Unusual But Manageable
Blue flags are unusual traits or behaviors that are neither strictly good nor bad but could require special attention or understanding. They might not be typical issues, but they can impact a relationship:
- Unique Hobbies: Having unusual hobbies or interests that you don’t share. While this isn’t necessarily bad, it requires mutual respect and sometimes participation.
- Different Lifestyles: Leading a significantly different lifestyle (e.g., one partner being a night owl and the other an early bird) can be challenging but manageable with good communication.
- Cultural Differences: Coming from different cultural backgrounds can be enriching but may require extra effort to understand and respect each other’s traditions and values.
Building a Strong Relationship
Before you can find the “right” person, you need to become the right person. Doing your own inner work so that you can fit the descriptions of a promising partner is the first step in finding a loving relationship. Here’s how you can work on yourself:
- Self-Reflection: Take time to understand your own feelings, needs, and values. Knowing yourself better helps you understand what you want in a partner.
- Healthy Boundaries: Learn to set and respect boundaries. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and clear boundaries.
- Emotional Responsibility: Take responsibility for your own emotions and well-being. Don’t expect your partner to “fix” you or make you happy.
- Communication Skills: Work on your communication skills. Being able to express your feelings and listen to your partner is crucial for a healthy relationship.
- Financial Responsibility: Manage your finances well. Being financially responsible not only helps in your personal life but also in your relationship.
- Open-Mindedness: Be open to learning and growing from relationship conflicts. Every conflict is an opportunity to understand each other better.
- Supportive Network: Maintain a supportive network of friends and family. Having a good support system helps in managing relationship challenges.
By focusing on these areas, you can become a better partner and attract someone who is also ready for a healthy, loving relationship.
Conclusion
Dating can be a challenging journey, but by recognizing red flags, embracing green flags, and understanding yellow and blue flags, you can navigate the dating scene more effectively. Remember, the goal is not just to find any relationship but to find a healthy, supportive, and loving one. By working on yourself and being mindful of the signs, you can increase your chances of finding a promising relationship. Keep in mind that building a strong relationship takes time, effort, and mutual respect. Don’t be afraid to take things slow and ensure that you and your partner are on the same page. Happy dating!