First Stage of Relationship: The Dependent Relationship
Women were dependent on men. Men were not supposed to express their emotions and were confined to the role of “breadwinner”. Women were confined to the role of housewife, with little political or economic power and few opportunities to move beyond their household lives. We needed each other in order to feel whole and complete. The first stage partner says “I need a partner to complete me.” Both partners come from feeling incomplete.
Second Stage of relationship: The 50/50 relationship
Two independent people, whole unto themselves, coming together as equals and evenly splitting the responsibilities of the household finances and childrearing. Even though this was a great step from dependency most woman were finding out they had to cover or hide their unique and natural expression of “Feminine radiance in order to succeed in today’s more Masculine oriented economy. This model was very beneficial for many years and now seems to be shifting due to the side effects of men and woman becoming more sexually neutralized, unable to give each other what they really want in intimacy. When we focus on dividing the pie equally, our intimate embrace often becomes more like a business handshake or a business deal than a delicious swoon that dissolves two lovers into a single heart of desire. Ultimately what we have accomplished is protecting our hearts from each other. The second stage partner says “I don’t need a partner and if I let one in it will be 50/50 with everything.”
Third stage of relationship: Intimate Communion
There is a deep surrender and commitment to love, not necessarily to each other. The priority is to love. The third stage occurs when two people come together from wholeness and with two trustworthy individuals. The surrender of self into love is the basis for Intimate Communion. In our culture to surrender into love is considered an act of weakness by many. For the third stage partner this deep surrender is a sign of strength and commitment to love deeply. It is an ongoing practice of sexual union, emotional openness and spiritual trust. It is a practice of love and surrendering the fearful boundaries that guard your heart. To practice opening your heart in every moment, including when you feel hurt. Rather than turn away or close down, you practice loving. It’s not about striking back, closing down, or becoming distant. The third stage partner says “ Because of all the love I have . . . I need a partner to open my heart and deliver us to God.” The questions to ask . . .. does being in this relationship open me to love? Am I and the world being served more by being in or out of this relationship? The third stage partner says “I need a partner to take me to surrender me to love as I am unable to do this alone.” “Is this relationship opening me to love?”
First level – Feels like prison.
Second level – Feels like a 50/50 game.
Third level – The experience of true freedom
This is how it is possible to remain authentic and commit to a relationship fully. It is a daily commitment to love not a life time to a person. It is a commitment to love and only love. I don’t have to give up on myself to be loved by you! This place of true freedom is completely free of falling. Free falling into the depths of unknown and uncharted places. It’s very vulnerable, scary and very exciting. You have virtually no references for this place and yet deep in your heart you have longed for the deep union for a lifetime. You hope that somehow your relationship would evolve into this instead of eroding it. The erosion began when we enforced boundaries, rules and isolated with huge walls around our hearts leaving us to feel a deep emptiness within. The emptiness we feel is about the loss of love we are not experiencing as men and women.
The emptiness is due to our getting off track of what is most important.
The most important work a man does is to discover and live his purpose. Until he knows his purpose a man cannot ever commit to a woman , be happy in his work or with himself. He will continually feel a deep emptiness inside. His constant fear is that he will die with his music left in his heart. He will look to fill this hole with a lot of busyness, pushing toward career goals, women, sex, alcohol, drugs, anything to avoid feeling that deep void. When a man is on purpose . . .. he is extremely attractive to other women and men. It is not a man’s purpose to commit to a woman or a relationship. That may be how he demonstrates his purpose, but it is not a man’s purpose. A woman truly respects a man who stays on his purpose. A woman will test her man to get him off purpose. If she succeeds in taking her man off purpose she loses respect and searches to replace him. If a man stays on purpose during a woman testing him, she acknowledges that he is trustworthy and will open deeply to this man
A woman’s greatest power is her ability to radiate her feminine essence. What does showing up like a genuine radiating woman look like in the world? Surrendering to life and receiving. To nurture from a receiving place versus a giving place. The key is, to be willing to go deeply into everything. Not staying on the surface. The surface is masculine . . The “get it done” energy. The feminine is deeply immersed in the feelings and wants to take her time and enjoy each precious moment.
Who are models of radiating feminine essence in our culture? You can see it in their eyes. You can see joy emanating and it looks like they just ended a wild dance with the divine.
Questions
1. What does the new genuine man and woman look like?
2. Who are the role models in our society that emulate this,
The Genuine Woman
- Her deep commitment to love is her beauty.
- She is willing to go deeply on a moment’s notice.
- She is spontaneous and present to the moment.
- She does not need to plan because she trusts the divine plan to unfold perfectly.
- She sees the oneness in everyone’s eyes and in everything around her.
- She surrounds her life with beauty and finds the beauty in all things around her.
- She is vulnerable and open.
- She naturally radiates love in her eyes and movement. Listens really well.
- She takes extraordinary care of herself because she knows how much it matters .
- She says no easily without harshness.
- She trusts her inner voice.
- She practices her relationships with the divine on a moment by moment basis.
- She longs to be opened more deeply by every experience in her life.
- She is fearless without distraction.
- She trusts her inner voice.
Women who radiate feminine essence Jackie Onasis, Catherine Zeta Jones, Maya Angelou, Melanie Griffith, Natalie Wood, Princess Diana, Audrey Hepburn, Liz Taylor, Annette Benning, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jessica Lange, Grace Kelly, Meryl Streep, Kim Basinger, Juliette Binoche, Sade, Norah Jones, Cher, Celine Dion, Dianne Carrol, Nicole Kidman , Goldie Hawn Who would you add to this list?
The Genuine Man
- He does not confuse wealth and material possession with the quality of himself.
- Knows his purpose and is living it in a giving non-egoistic manner
- Has a very strong presence without any need for domination
- Is inspired by and embraces a woman’s radiance Can go deep Does not allow a relationship with woman or business/society to take him off purpose
- Goes deep comes out fearlessly and shares lovingly and honestly
- The 3rd stage man says, ‘If I’m going to be with her, I’m going all the way with her.’ That doesn’t necessarily mean sexually, it means all the way to God.
- So strongly balanced in his emotional nature that clarity and comfort to express needs is easily & readily available
- He does not confuse wealth and material possession with the quality of himself.
- Enjoys expressing his feelings
- Shows up with integrity and does what he says he will do
- Protects his woman
- Is loyal and trustworthy
- Is whole and complete unto himself
- Is responsive
- Is awake and aware
- Is secure with himself
- Is energized by intimacy
Men who live on purpose and have a great masculine presence:
Robert Redford, Gene Hackman, Antonio Bandereas, Sean Connery, New Warren Beatty Colin Powell, Martin Luther King, Humphrey Bogart, Denzel Washington, Paul Newman Yul Brynner, Clark Gable, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Ron Howard, Seal, Sidney Poitier, Samuel Jackson
Who would you add to this list?
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